


The Paladin and the Almighty Swordsman

by Scythe_of_Starlight



Category: Original Work
Genre: Almighty One Swears A Lot, Attempt at Humor, Chaotic Good God, Don't copy to another site, Doppelganger, Fantasy, Fictional Religion & Theology, High Fantasy, Lawful Good to the point where it's Lawful Innocent, M/M, Mentions of Dragons & Elves, Non-Human Character Turns Into A Human, Religious Humor, Short & Sweet, Shorter Than My Other Works, Swords & Sorcery, Tumblr: Writing-prompt-s, Worship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-04-26
Packaged: 2020-02-04 20:04:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18611551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scythe_of_Starlight/pseuds/Scythe_of_Starlight
Summary: From writing-prompt-s Tumblr:You are a holy paladin of the greatest Church in the land, loyal to the mightiest God of them all! Except your God has gotten bored of all the stuffy worship and has started egging you on to mischievous adventure.--------“How much longer will you remain silent, Paladin?”“...O Almighty One... forgive my blasphemous self in asking this b-but...”“Out with it.”“Um, what the hell did you just say?!”The ancient totem in which the armored young man prayed before seemed to emit a lighthearted glow as the sunlight bathed the pearly white Temple of Worship.“Now that’s more like it Paladin!” The Almighty One chuckled freely, “You have no idea how good it feels to hear you swear! Kids these days are so uptight, yeesh!”





	The Paladin and the Almighty Swordsman

**Author's Note:**

> Another original inspired from the writing-prompt-s Tumblr page!  
> Freshly edited with correct dialogue formatting and capitalization fixes!

“How much longer will you remain silent, Paladin?”   
  
“...O Almighty One... forgive my blasphemous self in asking this b-but...”   
  
“Out with it.”   
  
“Um,  _ what the  _ **_hell_ ** _ did you just sa y _ _?!_ ”   
  
The ancient totem in which the armored young man prayed before seemed to emit a lighthearted glow as the sunlight bathed the pearly white Temple of Worship.   
  
“Now that’s more like it Paladin!” The Almighty One chuckled freely, “You have no idea how good it feels to hear you swear! Kids these days are so uptight, yeesh!”   
  
A bead of anxious sweat shown itself forming on the devout Paladin’s cheek, his hands joined in prayer close tighter still.   
  
“I-I...still do not understand, O Almighty One! Why do you shun my devotion to you?!”   
His voice echoes back, having raised it’s volume beyond what he would normally be comfortable with. Yet the God he prays to grows happier still.   
  
“ _ Because _ Paladin, after an eternity of good little boys and girls praying to me, and loving me, and sending their offerings to me...it’s all gotten a little--no, it’s all gotten  _ really _ boring! Ya know what I mean?”    
  
The shocked silence from the pitiable human offered the Almighty One just enough time to interrupt his boringly predictable response, “Actually no, don’t answer that. Of course you don’t.” He mumbles.   
  
“Seriously though, have you never wondered what it’d be like to just, get the hell out of this Church-loving, God-fearing town and explore the wider world? To go Dragon slaying with a smokin’ bombshell of an Elf girl at your side? Maybe get some guy friends and go pub hopping after hours with your winnings from the treasure chest your crew looted from a dangerous dungeon? How about hookin’ up with a Doppelganger and finding out once and for all just how good you are in be--”   
  
“ **STOP!!!** ” The Paladin’s cheeks burned bright at his God’s hypothetical situations...and the unholy imagery they brought to his mind. “Stop...p-please, just...stop.” The voice of the Almighty One gave a booming round of laughter at the man’s innocence.   
  
“N-Never in my life have I ever wondered such obscene things! Forgive me for this but...h-how DARE you!?” he calls out with a quiver in his voice.    
  
Further pleasing his boisterous Lord,   
“Holy shit Paladin you’re adorable.” He cooed with a deep purr, almost like He meant for the comment to be under His breath.   
  
“E-Excuse me?!”   
  
“Nothing, nothing~!”   
  
“You’re lying!!”   
  
“ _ Anyway _ ,” the Almighty One moved right along, sweeping the mistake He made clean under the metaphysical rug.   
“Paladin! You need to loosen up for a least a little while! All these strict and stern routines are gonna completely WRECK you down the line, you’ll have nothing but regrets! You’ll be all like:    
‘ _ Ohhh why didn’t I listen to the Almighty One when He told be to go outside?? Now I’ll never know if Elf girls pad their bras with magic~! Now I’ll never know what's it like to get fucking wasted one night and wake up in my guy friend's room for some unknown reason~!! Now I'll never know what I’m like in bed~! Waaaah waaah, woe was meeee~~! _ ’   
And that’s just sad! I don’t wanna see you all sad and pathetic like that when you’re 70 or something, all because you declined my offer to have a good time while you were in your prime!”

  
The young man chose to ignore the embarrassing attempt made by his God at an Old Man Voice™ and begrudgingly focus on the first part of His speech. The Paladin was raised by the word of his forefathers that the Gods know what’s best for their followers and disciples, with any requests made by the Gods to be carried out with unflinching loyalty. He isn’t the type of man to abandon his principles.     
  
Suddenly, an idea struck his unwilling mind faster than his original response could form on his tongue,  
“O Almighty One...?” the hesitant Paladin called out.  
  
“Yeah?”  
  
“...um...”  
  
“C’mon Paladin, getting cold feet after asking a question is just rude.”  
  
“..........wha-what if...”  
  
The sunlight seemed to focus all of its heat onto him as the Paladin shifted, not only readjusting to correct the blood flow to his numbing knees, but also to brace himself for whatever might happen next as a result of his next question.  
  
“What if…  
A better sentence came to mind,  
“There are a number of empty suits of armor in this Temple...correct?”  
  
“Yeah...what are you blind all of a sudden?”  
  
“W-Well...it’s just that, uh, maybe...forgive this but--”  
  
“Out with it already!”  
  
“WhatifIletyoupossessasuitofarmorandtravelwithmetowhereverthehellyouwantmetogo!?”  
  
Such a hastily worded question left the man breathless and desperately gasping in the vain hope that he’ll get it back, the Paladin’s own heartbeat rang in his ears so loudly that it threatened to drown out even his own thoughts.  
  
Meanwhile the air was thick with silence. No response from the Almighty One whatsoever…  
  
_Had I invoked His Almighty rage?_ the young man feared, anxiously opening his eyes to look around at the empty Temple of Worship, praying that he wouldn’t meet his Lord’s legendary wrath.  
  
Suddenly,  
  
“ **HELL FUCKING YEAH PALADIN!!!** ”  
  
One of the suits of armor that lined the left wall sprang to life with a familiarly commanding...and absurdly loud voice, startling the man out of his wits.  
  
“ **HEY, HEY! AND THAT’S NOT ALL! CHECK** ** _THIS_** **SHIT OUT!!** ” The Almighty One gave a quick and abrupt twist of His new (and stolen) helmet to reveal the head of a handsome young man wearing it, if some poor onlooker were to see this unusual display, they would be wholeheartedly forgiven if they assumed the two men to be twin brothers.  
  
They look exactly alike.  
  
Upon this realization, his eyes widened, “...oh no...” the righteous and God-fearing Paladin could only bear witness to the horrors he’s unleashed unto this unsuspecting world. The devout young man finds himself wishing that he could pray to a different God....just to get _this_ one out of his face.  
  
Grabbing the kneeling Paladin’s hand, the Almighty One made an unsteady sprint for the sacred Temple doors, still unused to having flesh-and-bone legs after who knows how long. The Paladin tried to call out amidst his labored breaths, wishing that his God would stop, slow down for a second, to realize that he was only joking with the ‘possess a suit of armor idea’, or at least let him catch his breath before heading outside!  
But before he could, the newly dubbed _Almighty Swordsman_ happily laughed into the wind they created, pushing aside the ages-old Temple doors as if they were made of the weakest of material. It seems His Almighty strength is still intact.  
  
With helmet under one arm and the Paladin’s hand gripping the other, the Almighty Swordsman turned to his new companion with an all too bright smile,  
“That’s right Paladin! **_I’M_** **YOUR DOPPELGANGER NOW, MOTHERFUCKER!!!** AND WE’RE GONNA HAVE SOME **FUN**!! As a wise man once said: ‘ _Live a little!_ ’ and THAT’S what we’re gonna do!!” while kicking up dust along the dirt path from the Temple of Worship, the Paladin silently regrets every life choice he’s ever made.

“Right Paladin!?!”   
  
So why is it that he can feel himself smiling...?

**Author's Note:**

> Original prompt can be found here  
> https://writing-prompt-s.tumblr.com/post/179522864000/you-are-a-holy-paladin-of-the-greatest-church-in  
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
